Miss Adventures in the 37206’s Neighborhood

ISO: Bridge. (troubled water, i possess in quantity)

Crash: hug
for you

me: gahhh i'm so fat right now Crash
132
do you believe this
i was 125 like 6 weeks ago
i want to die

Crash: is it muscle?

me: no it is HIDEOUS FAT

Crash: baby katzen, no! omg how did it happen!?

me: my clothes are tight

Crash: mine are, too

me: i want to hurl self off bridge
just need a bridge

Crash: i think i am up to 140

me: why isn't there ever a BRIDGE when you need one

Crash: so i'll probably fall faster than you
lol

me: LOL
well we're screwed with no bridges

Crash: this is true. at least i refilled my meds today, tho.

me: and i'm in day FOUR of the same anxiety attack
mmmmmmeds

Crash: damn!
that is so not good

me: considered getting back on, today
took a benedryl instead
;-)

Crash: i don't blame you

me: poor man's narcotic

Crash: i keep popping cyclobenzaprine and xanax
cos i ran out of paxil for 3 days and no time to refill it because of evil evil job

me: mail order!

Crash: ooh good idea

me: oh i'd be lost without mail order
funny, in tthe middle of an anx. attack, the LAST thing i wana do is run out to the drugstore

Crash: i should look into that
yeah, no doubt
did i tell you about my nervous breakdown this week?
where i yelled at people at work?

me: you told me you cussed some bitch out

Crash: omg. i so did.
i did not get in trouble.
:)
i even said "fucking" in front of a little kid. at work. and i am not fired. whew!

me: b/c you're rad

Crash: and very, very lucky
hehe
but then i got mad again today at work
but didn't say any naughty words
so i think i'm ok
just a fat ass
with a sore throat and cough
and broken out skin
from being freaking overworked and overangered

me: i am also broken out
bad
stress and candy
ok well i'll have my 7 lbs gone by. thnxgiving
hopefully
i just have to pick a limb to hack off.

Crash: lmao!
i have eaten almost an entire large bag of peanut m and ms today
then i got sick. surprise, surprise.
i find feeling ugly makes me homicidal instead of suicidal anymore. it's weird.

me: at least they taste the same on the way up

Crash: or maybe it's vaguely both

me: HAHA
me too
it also makes me buy stupid shit from mall kiosks

Crash: we should write a book together
like proactiv? hehe

me: i'm that girl, the one they target to buy their dead sea salt shit b/c i look like i have low self worth
I AM THAT GIRL

Crash: ohhh the dudes that want to put crap on you as you walk by

me: yah lookin like 'i just wanna be touched'

Crash: lol!

me: 'can't you see how needy i am? due to my huge ass and my acne right there?'

Crash: i said yesterday i was going to make a new magazine about how girls who have low self-esteem get all the men

me: 'touch me for 40 seconds and i will buy two of your packs of salt shit

Crash: you are hilarious

me: it's TRUE
i'm going to blog it right now

Crash: i know, but it's so funny
you should be on snl

me: lol

Crash: yay!

me: actually i'll just paste this into vox
i'm so lazy

Crash: awesome
me, too

me: as well as fat and pimplehaving

Crash: fat, lazy, broken out assholes
that's us

me: we suck

Crash: but damn, we're witty

me: we have that going for us

Crash: i feel so much pressure to be the funny one
to make up for the ugly

me: me TOO!

Crash: it's like everyone lvoes me b/c i'm hilarious, and i entertain everyone, but then i go home and want to put a gun in my mouth
it's a sick cycle

me: is it better than putting a gun in someone elses mouth?
i suppose it depends on the mouth
and the someone

Crash: i just updated my boyfriend.
i call my blog my boyfriend, btw

me: haha did you paste my blog!?

Crash: nope
but if the feds find mine i'm effed

me: nice i'mma have to read that

Crash: yay!
ok now i have to go
love you. and don't worry, someone is fatter than you today. xoxoxoxoxo

me: love you back, thanks for the sage advice

QotD: Trapped in an Elevator

kat >>/dev/null
Oct 22, 2009
1 comment

Who would you most like to be stuck in an elevator with?

that horrible man i used to work for..

Least like?

...witnesses.

the conditions under which i will put away laundry

kat >>/dev/null
Oct 22, 2009
1 comment

Laundry is.. laundered.
Dryer cycle has finished
...while i am standing in front of it
and laundry is WARM.. WARM is good.
nothing good is on TV
nothing bad is on TV
gmail is DOWN
facebook is uninteresting
vox is read/updated
myspace spam is deleted
I am not hungry / thirsty / tired and all bathroom functions have been executed
Jonas is not laying in a cute way
my phone isn't ringing and
i have no voice mails
mercury is not in retrograde

that about covers it. off to delete myspace spam.

Posting

lightandstorm
Oct 7, 2009
1 comment

Wow, I can post here again. The long drought has been because my company's proxy server wasn't letting me type in these text boxes for some reason. Apparently it's fixed.

In the meantime, I've been posting over at wordpress.

I think I'll continue to post there, and perhaps crosspost here.

i think i've eaten a full cup of choco-covered espresso beans today.

and i still managed a nap... OHhhh the freedom of a day-shift Friday!

BF fiance and i are going to see a terrific show this weekend. It's a date!

My hair is fabulous. It had a much-needed trim and all the color updated.

I'm running a dance tonight. Nashville: come get your Blues on.. Global Ed Center 8:30 - 11:30pm. Socks will be rocked... if you act now, they could be your socks.

happy weekend.

don't panic.. in large friendly letters...

I have had three solid days of anxiety attacks in the last 2 weeks, with no apparent external cause. A year ago, this would have freaked my shit out, and i would have let these bad days eat at me until i was a soggy, weeping mess curled up in the fetal position on the floor of my bathroom. However in the last six months or so I have learned how to manage my anxiety; coming up with plans of 'attack' (har-har-har) to prevent them at best, and cope with them otherwise.

At this point, anxiety attacks feel to me.. a lot like sharing a bathroom with my little brother. it's uncomfortable and awkward, and things get a little dicey when I need to be somewhere on time, but eventually he'll be out of there and I'll have the space to myself for a while. it's annoying, but it is NOT the end of the world.

i am the worst blogger ever.

I think you'll find that since i joined facebook, my blogging quality and quantity has dropped about 7000% from the mediocrity of before.

see i don't even know how to phrase that, but you know what i mean.

i started one yesterday, not about much, but i 'paused' it and never found the inspiration to pick it back up. which is fine because mostly it was lamenting the same thing this blog is. namely: i am a lazy, narcissistic bastard, with no actual friends.

i have SO much i should be doing. fiance' and i are moving into A Real House* in october, which means, in theory, all the boxes i have brought home from work should be packed up and labeled and left ready to be loaded into a truck. however there they are and here i am, and no packing fairy has arrived to take care of that particular task for me.

similarly, i should be studying for my Cisco bootcamp** in October. I'm dead set on passing that CCNA test. However I haven't actually channeled that desire into any amount of opening of books or note taking. My most involved effort on that front: purchasing graph paper.

i don't know. i feel like success starts with graph paper.

or at least, it helps.

the aborted blog also addressed my recent mood swings. No i am not pregnant. Yes, i have mood swings. I have been happily off crazy-pills for.. .. uhh.. since april, and i'm now able to explore all the heights and depths of the human spirit as god intended.. or something. no actually, it's probably nothing like that. commercials make me cry, ok? especially the ATT commercial with the kid and the LOST DOG posters. omG. Niagara falls, frankie angel. and there are other things. stupid things. that make me mist up ridiculously and at inopportune times. it's probably hormones. here i am in the peak of my breeding years, spending all my nurturing, diaper changing, cookie-baking energies on a (totally empty-- c'est la vie) farmer's market dance.. and Mafia Wars.

it's all a trick, you see. when you hit 30, your body makes you think you are empty inside, so that you will fill it up quite literally with a Baby (and thereby ensure the survival of the species).

tricky nature. i'm not having it. or Having It. get it?

tomorrow is my mom's birthday... 50. I sent her a gift (on time, if you can believe that) and she left me a sweet, happy, totally normal and bubbly voicemail. i saved it. i havent' heard her like that in a hundred years, and it's nice.

also tonight, i miss paul. I was talking with a sort of guy friend and i was reminded (by the contrast) what it's like to have a Lifelong Friend, who knows like everything, and there is history and rapport. history is so crucial. and love and concern, and respect and honesty, and i just don't see those things spawning naturally these days. there is just something about adolescence that cements that. there's all the things you don't talk about but you know about, and knowing is sometimes enough.

paul was very special and i'll never be able to replace him.

So it's time for bed. time to love (and i do love) what i have here and now, here and now.

goodnight moon.

*rental.

**i don't even know why i astrisked this.

i joined twitter.

i have sworn, in fact as recently as yesterday, that i wouldn't be caught dead twittering... but something moved me today to join. i don't know what that 'something' was, but it was probably rooted in

a) my desire to have the twitter name i got before anyone else got it

b) my feelings of dance neglect and abandonment because none of the advanced/pro nashville swing dancers really care to come to my dance at the farmer's market unless NOTHING else is going on.

b) makes me feel bad about myself.... like i can't host an event worth going to. i'll keep doing it tho, hoping the beginner/intermediates get something out of it, even lacking the inspiration we all so greatly need to keep us motivated. one day, maybe some completely unexpected community member will find something about the dance to love, and it will change his/her life, and that will give me the validation i am so obviously, desperately, seeking.

blah.

fiance got new glasses. we're not sure they fit him well, but i can't help thinking he's just adorable, even in his ill-fitting glasses. i wonder what would have to happen to make him unattractive to me?? this must be love. i'm smitten.

a smitten-twittite.

i have an empty spot where my feelings should go

My 19 year old brother is mentally disabled. He has been living in a home with licensed caregivers for probably close to two years. A few months ago his doctors took him off of all his meds. A few days ago, he beat up his female caregiver. the 'incident report' says that he hit her twelve times, in the face. He's a full grown adult male. she's a woman.

I don't know what to say. I don't know what the future holds. I don't understand him.. he's never been anything real.. he's always just been this sort of, shell of a person with drugs making his person-parts move in a way that seems believeable, realistic, until you get close up. but there's nothing genuine inside him.. or if there is, i've never seen it.

now the drugs are gone, and his person-parts moved all by themselves and assaulted a woman. is this what's been inside him, all along? a monster?

i want to be sad about this, but i feel nothing. it's like he's a movie i'm watching.

i hate myself right now. so pathetic that i have to make this about me because i can't make it about him. i am truly the suck.